“Just Livin’ another day my man.”
“Too much awesome on my feet.”
“I hope you guys are going absolutely ballistic right now because we’re going to get on a flight tomorrow and join you… FACT!”
“Sounds delicious.”
“I wanna RAGE… right now.”
“I went in the training room downstairs, I kinda felt my side and im like this isn’t happening right now. Screw it red bull time second inning.”
“Fire a red bull down and get after it.”
“Pretty much got to be a warrior.”
“You know… I don’t know what it takes to close out a game, I know it’s basically the same thing as the 7th, 8th, and 9th but you know I always look at the 9th being kind of this other kind of game. The last three outs are the hardest thing to do, whatever. I think you just kind of have to be a little bit off. You got to have that F U mentality; not be afraid to lose but be pissed when you do lose because accepting failure is not something you need to be swallowing.”
“I tried to let runners on it didn’t happen, I had a fallout, strikeout, and I don’t know I blacked out I didn’t really know what happened.”
”They are half the cleat they used to be, but lets not forget every time I pitch the sharpie comes off. So slowly they are coming back.”
“Well when I meet the folks for the first time they say you kind of look like a few characters, Chuck Norris one of them… with a little edge.”
“Chuck Norris has been known to throw a hundred mile an hour fastball… I have been known to through Chuck Norris a hundred miles an hour.”
“I do have a schooner, it’s double parked out front, I have fifteen minutes until I get a ticket.”
“I wanted to closely relate to a seaman… not com’n not that kind of seamen folks, that’s a tough costume to pull off, friend of mine did it seven Halloweens ago.”
“Well you know I engaged in some activities that I’m proud of. I did what any other normal twenty-eight year old single male would do in a foreign country, I had a lot of massages. Not those kind of massages, the were strictly sexual. I don’t think that’s what I meant to say, they were consensual. I’m digging myself a whole here… uh just foot massages.”
“He’s a figment of your imagination. He’s not there, but he is. And you respect him.”
“You got to be a little bit crazy.”
“Well by the time I get in the game im just raring to go. I mean your warming up in the 8th inning just to prepare for yourself, if you don’t get in the game it’s pretty much called a dry hump and that’s a term in baseball when you almost get in the game and your right there for the apex you get dry humped and then it hurts. So by the time you get in the game, you wanna murder someone. So crazy is out the door, your insane by situation.”
“I was dry humped a lot this year, real backed up.”
“A reporter asked me the same thing he said Brian y’know you got all these baseballs in your locker, you don’t date them, what’s the significance, how can you tell there even there, can you tell them by smell… I said your right my friend! I can tell which ball I used by the smell whether it’s game used or not. He said really? Yeah, this one in particular, July 3rd you’re welcome.”
“Oh you think your beard is sweeter than mine… no it’s not sweeter than mine cause nothing is sweeter than this beard, not even the most perfect honey is sweeter than this beard. Oh you think your going to have a better season than i do, we’ll see END.”
“I’m allergic to them because they are made of Himalayan Yeti fur but it’s no big deal.”
”Every sports got some sort of rally goin’, it was kind of a joke. Uh hey lets just grow rally beards and see what happens, and then I said I’m not going to shave until we lose and go home… and we won it all. So…”
“Jay, we play the second most amount of day games in the national league. It’s tan, it’s focused.”
“You here that, that’s the sound of San Francisco NAILING IT!”
“I wanted A) To rule the world… uh other things I wanted to be, I wanted to be an underwater welder. That didn’t work out I can’t hold my breath. Baseball around five, every kid played whiffle ball with their dad or somebody. It’s the best game ever, still play it.”
“You’re welcome.”
“I was a starter, I was drafted a starter and my minor leagure stats as a starter were 0-3 and a 9 E.R.A. and I don’t know if your familiar with stats but that’s horrible actually. So I talked to the coach and I just made up a bunch of stuff, I said y’know im coming back from Tommy John surgery, I can’t last more than four innings. Everytime I came out it bases loaded and I had to watch a guy come in, a reliever come in and cash my runs in and at the end of the day that guy had a zero and I had a nine. I said I wanna do that, and the main reason is during b.p. the starting pitcher from the previous day, which in my case was a loss, you have to do the bucket. And the bucket, you collect the baseballs during b.p., they’re firing them at your ankles, you’re dodging and everyones laughing it’s ha ha you just gave up eleven runs the previous day, it’s not that funny!”
“Five things, about me that you dont know… yet. Or you might know but I’m going to give them anyways. 1) My I.Q. is 188. End of discussion, it’s been proven. Certified genius. 2) Born originally in Massachusetts. Family is from South Boston, we’re Irish that’s correct Irish. 3) I enjoy Cholula hot sauce. That stuff is ridiculously good. Pretty much the best hot sauce in the world. 4) Huge fan of the 80′s. I was born in 82. Spent seven, eight years before the 90′s ruined everything. So big fan. And lastly, you may or may not know the 5th one about me. Maybe interesting, may not be interesting… I’m a ninja. Also certified ninja. So those are the five things about me. Bam! Done.”
